Majestic's Answering Machine Message...

If you are easily offended by sarcasm, you might not want to read this! Years ago someone emailed me this joke only it was from the point-of-view of a dog shelter. I changed it out and made it more fitting for our situation.

Ring! Ring!

Hello! You have reached Majestic Waterfowl Sanctuary. Due to the high volume of incoming calls, please listen closely to the following options and then choose the one that best describes your situation:

Press 1 if you think we are veterinarians and want free medical advice.

Press 2 if you know we are not veterinarians, but want to save money and have us give you free, uncertified medical advice anyway.

Press 3 if you make more than $100K a year, want us to jump up and immediately rescue a duck or goose in your area, but do not plan on making even a nominal donation to compensate us for our time and expenses or to assist with the animal's care while they are at our sanctuary.

Press 4 if you are calling to demand that we rescue a duck or goose in your area while advising that you can't be of any assistance whatsoever because unlike us, you are "a very busy person." As soon as we get home from our full-time day jobs, meet the needs of our family, care for over 30 ducks and geese, 4 cats and 1 dog, we will be sure to keep your "unforgiving" schedule in mind.

Press 5 if you are calling to try to make us feel guilty for not driving eight hours out-of-state to rescue a duck or goose in your area.

Press 6 if you are calling because we have no room for the abandoned duck or goose that you've discovered and you'd like to blame the bird's fate entirely on us.

Press 7 if you have a 5-year-old duck and your 7-year-old child has "suddenly" become allergic and you need to find the duck a new home right away.

Press 8 if you had a baby and want to get rid of your ducks because you are the only person in the world to have the responsibility of a baby and ducks at the same time.

Press 9 if you are calling to surrender your duck or goose to us because they are sick and need vet care, but you need the money for your vacation.

Press 10 if you just purchased a brand new duckling and your old ducks is having problems adjusting, so you want to get rid of the old duck right away.

Press 11 if you have bought your children a duckling or gosling for Easter and it is now July 4th and you are no longer finding it cute.

Press 12 if you're lying about your pet duck or goose being a "rescue" in an attempt to trick us into feeling bad, so that we'll take them off of your hands.

Press 13 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute duckling/gosling who is going to outlive you.

Press 14 if you are seventeen, plan to go to college next year and would like to adopt a duck or goose for your parents to take care of for the next 4-8 years while you are gone.

Press 15 if you have never stayed in the same apartment for more than two years, want to adopt a duck or goose and believe that your next landlord will not have a problem with this.

Press 16 if your relative has passed away and you don't want to care for their beloved duck or goose because it doesn't fit your lifestyle.

Press 17 if you need to relinquish your duck or goose because you believed that they were "low maintenance" pets and now realize that you have to spend more than 15 minutes a day caring for them.

Press 18 if you are moving today and need to immediately find a new home for your flock of twelve non-imprinted, loud and aggressive geese.

Press 19 if you need us to drive out to your home and remove your flock from the road where they are in danger of being run over because you think it's cruel to fence them in.

Press 20 if you need to surrender a dozen ducklings to us because it is against your religion to addle eggs.

Press 21 if you need us to take your twenty newly-hatched ducklings because you didn't notice your hens sitting in the same exact nesting place DAY-AFTER-DAY for four weeks straight.

Press 22 if a predator just killed your duck or goose, you still insist on keeping them free range, and you want to adopt a "replacement" duck or goose to alleviate your concern for your local food chain.

Press 23 if you want to volunteer, but do not want to get your hands dirty or work hard unless you are going to be paid.

Press 24 if you have been caring for a duck or goose you rescued three years ago, are moving, and suddenly determine it's not your pet.

Press 25 if we were not able to take in your duck or goose due to space limitations and you are calling to offer us twenty dollars if we can just make "a little more room."

Press 26 if you would like to relinquish your extremely "friendly and healthy" duck or goose that is actually terrified of people and is almost entirely lame.

Press 27 if you would like to surrender your pet duck or goose because you ignored our advice and kept it free range, it was attacked by predators, needs life-saving surgery and you can't afford or deal with it.

Press 28 if you are calling in cold weather to advise us about an abandoned duck or goose you've been feeding all spring, summer & fall, which you did not tell us about when it was warm, but now don't want to care for anymore because it's too cold outside for your comfort.

Press 29 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have left a duck in our yard in the middle of January, which is in fact better than just leaving the duck with no message.

Press 30 if you calling to complain because we are not going to take your pet duck or goose that you have had for ten years because it is not our responsibility.

Press 31 if you are going to threaten to take your duck or goose to be euthanized if we can't get to your house within the hour.

Press 32 if you want one of our completely imprinted and friendly, perfectly healthy, purebred Call ducks that we have an abundance of.

Press 33 if you want us to take your goose that has a slight aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor's cat.

Press 34 if you have already called once and were told we are full-to-capacity, but thought you would get a different person this time with a different answer.

Press 35 if you want us to use vital space that would ordinarily go to an abandoned duck or goose to board your personal pet while you are away on vacation, free of charge, of course.

Press 36 if it is Easter morning and you want us to deliver a newly hatched duckling or gosling to your house by 6:30 a.m., before your kids wake up.

Press 37 if you are frantically calling about an abandoned duck or goose in immediate danger and you have no intention of calling us back in a few minutes to let us know that you found someone else to help instead.

Press 38 if you don't have the kind of selfless dedication required to open up your own sanctuary, but would like to advise us on how to better run ours.

Press 39 if you were turned down for adoption because your waterfowl enclosure did not meet our minimum standards and you would like to ridicule us about our requirements rather than fix up your crappy pen.

Press 40 if you just brought a nest of twelve wild mallard eggs home because you did not see their mother around and just wanted to "help."

Press 41 if you believed that feeding bread products to waterfowl was a good diet option and are now wondering why they are not doing so well.

Press 42 if you believe that domestic ducks can fly and are wondering why the white duck you dropped off on the pond up the road did not migrate away with the wild Mallards and Canada geese and is now sitting all alone out there.

Press 43 if you are calling in June to brag about how well your four Spring-hatched drakes are getting along. Please follow the prompts to schedule your urgent call to us next March when all hell breaks loose.

Press 44 if you are calling because the six straight-run ducklings you purchased turned out to be five drakes and one hen and you suddenly realize why we recommend a 1:4 drake to hen ratio.

Press 45 if you are surrendering your pet, but don't plan on telling us how sick or injured it is until you actually arrive and open the pet carrier.

Press 46 if you want to relinquish your pet duck that poops all over your house, not at all like the apparently "potty trained" duck that you saw on Friends.

Press 47 if you want to surrender your pet duck "Aflac" because he isn't anything like that duck in the commercials.

Press 48 if you need a duckling immediately and cannot wait because today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.

Press 49 if your new love doesn't like your flock and you are too stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next month anyway) instead of your ducks.

Press 50 if you are a resident of a foreign country interested in coming to the U.S. and are willing to volunteer your services "petting the ducks" in exchange for free room & board--meals included, of course.

Press 51 if you want all the credit for saving an animal's life without making any effort other than dialing this phone number.

Press 52 if you want us to board your duck or goose indefinitely, at no charge, so you can still visit and enjoy them as pets without having any of the responsibility.

Press 53 if you are calling to complain because our sanctuary is full-to-capacity in lieu of actually doing something about it, like make a donation or actually put in some volunteer hours to help us build more pens.

Press 54 if you are calling to blame us for not stepping up to stop the cycle of waterfowl abandonment in your area because heaven forbid you have to rise to the occasion and do something about it yourself.

Press 55 if you are calling because you think it is more important that we use our extremely limited space to take in your inconvenient pet rather than reserve our slots for homeless ducks and geese facing starvation and death.

Press 56 if you are calling to ask us to "rescue" ducks or geese that "are not owned by anyone," but just-so-happen to be living on someone else's private property.

Press 57 if you don't think the information on our website advising you to email us in lieu of calling applies to you because your situation is unique and far more urgent than everyone else's.

Press 58 if you think we are Animal Control and want us to drive an hour out to your neighbors to advise them that they are not caring properly for their flock.

Press 59 if you need to surrender a dozen ducklings because you couldn't be bothered with picking up eggs every day, but are bothered by the end result.

Press 60 if you actually read through the information on our website regarding what to do when you find an abandoned duck or goose, are feeding it Mazuri waterfowl food until you catch it, have lined up a half dozen volunteers (one with a boat) to help you with the rescue, have a vet lined up to see the bird after its safe capture, have built a predator proof pen, so you can keep the bird yourself, have been pre-approved by us to adopt a friend for them, so it won't be lonely, and are sending us a donation to thank us for all of our support. Bless you!

© Majestic Waterfowl Sanctuary 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009