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Majestic Diary

September 17, 2009

Jezebel has cancer. Today I have to say good-bye to her. I rescued her over 7 years ago along with Destiny, who passed away years ago. They were our first rescues and now I have to let her go. I hate knowing that it's coming at 5:15 pm and this is our last day.

I brought her tons of nightcrawlers yesterday and lettuce and spent time with her, but I know what she wants most of all is to be with Matthew, Jeffrey, Vida and Deirdre--her best friends. I know she just wants time with them. They're in the grassy pen now. I'm going to head out in a few minutes and let them all out onto the pond together, just the five of them.

Taken Yesterday:

Jezebel, Deirdre & Vida

I will always remember her eyes... always so soulful... always so deep and knowing... I tried to get a picture of them yesterday, so I would still be able to look into them sometimes, but... it's just not the same...

My final gift to Jezebel was to let her swim out on the pond today with just Deirdre, Vida, Jeffrey and Matthew... Just the five of them together... just like in the old days when we just started rescuing... I don't know what else I can do for her other than give her some alone time with her best friends before she and I share her final minutes, with her embraced in my arms...

Taken Today:


Letting go of Jezebel was so hard; waiting to walk down to the barn to get her was the worst part. I let her enjoy the company of her friends for as long as I could before picking her up and taking her with me.

When we arrived at the vet, I put a towel down on the table and I knelt on the floor and pet her belly and kissed her bill. She normally is pretty shy and prefers not to be touched, but she didn't mind at all. She was unusually calm. I stroked the sides of her neck and kissed her a few more times and then she sat down on my arm.

Normally, Jezebel panics at the vet and hyperventilates, but not today. Not today. She was just ready. Her breathing was heavy. I could feel the weight of her breaths as the cancer gripped around her inside. She was ready.

First an injection to sedate her, the same kind they use to prep animals for surgery and then the one to send her gently on her way. I held her close to me and kept my eyes on her, so she would know she was not alone and that I was with her. I promised her I would not leave her until she left me first. And then she did. I felt her soul pass and I looked up at our vet and told him she was gone. He checked and confirmed and then gave me a few more minutes to say good-bye, but I already had... I already had...

Jezebel was ready to go. Her time here with us, I'll never forget. She was just the most gentle duck I've ever known and in the end, her deep brown, soulful eyes looked directly into mine and kindly asked me to let her go. I told her Elijah & Destiny would both be there to greet her as she crossed over.


Dear Jezebel,

I will always remember you. I remember when Young Matthew loved you. I remember when we lost your best friend Destiny duck who was like a sister to you. I remember your grief.

I remember when Deirdre "Dear heart" came to join us, and then Matthew didn't pay enough attention to you anymore. I remember your grief, but I also remember your kindness. You never begrudged Deirdre and the two of you and Vida were like 3 sisters and ever have been since. Your loyalty to each other, your sisterhood, always inspired me.

And then one day, Elijah came to us and he saw your brown eyes, and the two of you fell in love. You loved each other so much. And I know when you lost him, it broke your heart. Your heart has been broken so many times. I see it in the depth of your eyes.

I know Elijah will be there waiting there for you when you cross over, and you will be together again. And someday when I am old, I pray you will both be there together to greet me when I cross over. Your smiles always made me happy. Please tell Elijah how much I miss his special quack.

My Beloved Jezebel, I hope you were happy here. I hope I gave you everything you ever wanted and needed and desired. I hope you know I love you. Because I love you too, my dear & gentle, darling & sweet, most beautiful, most special girl.

Love,

Momma Duck


 

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