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Majestic
Diary
August 16, 2011
It's been
an overwhelming time... Losing Benny...
While
battling with the decision of when the time to euthanize
him was upon me, I had a moment of weakness where I
feared that there might not be an afterlife. I was
afraid that my taking away Benny's life might be taking
away everything he had left. What if this IS it? Should
I still take his life away from him? What if this is all
he has? It tore me apart and I SO couldn't handle it.
I'm more
of a spiritual person than a religious person. What does
THAT mean, right? For me, it means I find God outside in
nature... in the wind and the trees--God created these
things... Not in the walls of a human-made building. So my
church is outside. Under the sun. Beneath the clouds. Or a few days ago when
I ran through the trails in our woods while the rain
poured over me. That's God! And it was so
wonderful!
But... I
needed some reminding these last couple of weeks... so I prayed...
Praying
is something I
so rarely do for myself. I often pray for our ducks and
geese or for people undergoing hard times, but I always
kind of feel like my problems are not nearly as grave as
others' and being so, I don't feel justified in
diverting the Lord's attention
away from those who need it most. But this time I needed
a little help. So I asked Him to help me build up my
faith again, and I asked for a friend locally (because
mine or so far away) to help me not feel so all alone in
this.
And then
came Benny's footsteps in the sky. And then came my
friend Mary dreaming a message from Benny. And my
daughter dreaming she saw Benny in an all-white heaven
with a message for me that he was okay now. And if that
wasn't enough, in the midst of my grief an unexpected
new friend invited me over to sit with her ducks and
talk about anything that might ease my pain a little.
She lent
me a non-fiction book to read called, "Heaven is for Real." And in
this book a little boy had a near-death experience and
traveled to heaven and saw "birds" there (among other
animals). And later she shared a beautiful story with me
about her Uncle who received an amazing message from the
other side--from a child he had never met before.
Is it a
coincidence that all these things happened so closely
together? Some people talk about hearing the voice or
word of
God--something I've never heard, but I believe I have
been sent images from Him... signs. I've never seen so many in a row
before--an answer to my prayers. To help relieve the
doubt and help restore my faith.
I feel
good again... Strong... Ready...
And just
then, when I felt like I could finally fill my lungs
again with a full, deep breath, Benny's footprint casts and ashes came home.
And I was able to handle it. I
made three shadowboxes for Mary, Julie and Gary and
saved one footprint for myself.
Dear
Benny "Boonya" Boy... I miss you...
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