Majestic Waterfowl Sanctuary, 17 Barker Road, Lebanon, CT, 06249

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Majestic Diary

August 16, 2011

It's been an overwhelming time... Losing Benny...

While battling with the decision of when the time to euthanize him was upon me, I had a moment of weakness where I feared that there might not be an afterlife. I was afraid that my taking away Benny's life might be taking away everything he had left. What if this IS it? Should I still take his life away from him? What if this is all he has? It tore me apart and I SO couldn't handle it.

I'm more of a spiritual person than a religious person. What does THAT mean, right? For me, it means I find God outside in nature... in the wind and the trees--God created these things... Not in the walls of a human-made building. So my church is outside. Under the sun. Beneath the clouds. Or a few days ago when I ran through the trails in our woods while the rain poured over me. That's God! And it was so wonderful!

But... I needed some reminding these last couple of weeks... so I prayed...

Praying is something I so rarely do for myself. I often pray for our ducks and geese or for people undergoing hard times, but I always kind of feel like my problems are not nearly as grave as others' and being so, I don't feel justified in diverting the Lord's attention away from those who need it most. But this time I needed a little help. So I asked Him to help me build up my faith again, and I asked for a friend locally (because mine or so far away) to help me not feel so all alone in this.

And then came Benny's footsteps in the sky. And then came my friend Mary dreaming a message from Benny. And my daughter dreaming she saw Benny in an all-white heaven with a message for me that he was okay now. And if that wasn't enough, in the midst of my grief an unexpected new friend invited me over to sit with her ducks and talk about anything that might ease my pain a little.

She lent me a non-fiction book to read called, "Heaven is for Real." And in this book a little boy had a near-death experience and traveled to heaven and saw "birds" there (among other animals). And later she shared a beautiful story with me about her Uncle who received an amazing message from the other side--from a child he had never met before.

Is it a coincidence that all these things happened so closely together? Some people talk about hearing the voice or word of God--something I've never heard, but I believe I have been sent images from Him... signs. I've never seen so many in a row before--an answer to my prayers. To help relieve the doubt and help restore my faith.

I feel good again... Strong... Ready...

And just then, when I felt like I could finally fill my lungs again with a full, deep breath, Benny's footprint casts and ashes came home. And I was able to handle it. I made three shadowboxes for Mary, Julie and Gary and saved one footprint for myself.

Dear Benny "Boonya" Boy... I miss you...


 

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